"Will My Life Ever Be Good Again?"

I want to write a book called, “Life Can Be Good Again!” – Finding Meaning & Purpose in Your Loss.

After writing his best seller, A Grace Disguised, Jerry Sittser found that one question kept surfacing in the hundreds of letters and emails he received in response to his book – “Will my life ever be good again?”

People want to know if life has any joy in store for them in the future after suffering a catastrophic loss. I wandered the exact same thing immediately after losing Jackie because the loss was so devastating and overwhelming. I honestly didn’t know what to do or how to process it. I didn’t know how to grieve. I needed someone to help me frame my loss.

Out of desperation, I called Jerry Sittser at Whitworth College, and asked if he would come speak at the church I pastored in Auburn. It was totally for selfish reasons – to help me recover from my grief. Jerry came and helped me frame the loss. He became a model to me of someone who had suffered great loss (he lost his wife, mom, and daughter when a drunk driver hit their minivan) and yet had joy in his life. Jerry loved God, his family (what remained), other people and life. He had a smile on his face and a bounce in his step. I wanted to be like Jerry. I figured if he could do it, then so could I. I thought that if God could transform Jerry then maybe he could transform me too. I think we all need models, people to look up to, which have gone where we want to go.

I have found that life can be good again, really good! Life will never be the same again. Things are different now - but good! I have a new joy, which I believe is even greater than before. By experiencing such deep sorrow I can now experience an even deeper joy. I have a smile back on my face and a bounce in my step. I have a new found passion to help others who grieve experience joy in their lives as well.

Because of His mercy and grace,

His grace is sufficient, and his mercies are new every morning .... Great is thy faithfulness!

Dp

p.s. I recently saw Jerry Sittser speak in chapel at Westmont College in Santa Barbara. I thanked him personally for the difference he made in my life and for being my role model for living a healthy life after loss.

Ocean Waves and Grief

I grew up in Southern California and one of my favorite activities was (and still is) going to the beach. When I was a kid my parents owned an apartment in Laguna Beach that we would frequent a lot. It was there that I learned about the ocean, waves, body surfing and boogie boarding. I learned to respect the ocean and it's power (water is the most powerful force on earth) and to never turn my back on it.

I remember one time when my mom and I were walking on some rocks looking at starfish and turned our backs on the ocean and a big wave came and knocked us over and dragged us across the rocks. We emerged bloody and bruised but learned an important lesson.

Turning your back on the ocean is like turning your back on grief and ignoring it.

I remember another time when a set of waves came out of nowhere and I got trapped in the set. I was thrust under water for what seemed like eternity but in reality was only a few seconds. I felt helpless, disoriented, and frightened. When I did surface I found another huge wave bearing down on me and under I went.

Losing a loved one and going through the grief process is like being caught in a set of big waves. Waves of anger, doubt, denial, sadness, depression, loneliness, helplessness, and confusion that keep crashing down on you. Despite what some experts say, the grief process is not a neat and tidy set of stages you successfully go through and move on from. Rather they are like emotional waves that come in all different sizes and shapes that knock the snot out of you. When they break, you are broadsided, and find yourself tossing, spinning, and bouncing off the bottom of the ocean with a mouth full of salt water and sand.

If you fight, it takes longer to get to the surface. But if you float with the current, you come right to the top. Floating when we are frightened is difficult. It takes trust, focus, and concentration. Dealing with the death of a loved one is similar. In order to cope, it takes TRUST. Trust leads to hope. Trust that God is in control even though it doesn't seem like it. Hope for a better tomorrow and that life can be good again.

We all need hope to cope.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

Dp

p.s. I know some people (and I'm sure you do to) who got caught in a set of ocean waves and it frightened them and now they don't venture into the ocean anymore. I don't know about you but I'm ready to venture back out into the deep end and live life to the fullest! I think Jackie would want it that way ... :-)

"Held" by Natalie Grant

What It Means To Be “Held”

Natalie Grant sings a moving song about grief, loss, suffering and hope called, “Held.” However, the writer of the song is Christa Wells. Her inspiration for the song came from 3 different women that greatly influenced her life. Each of the women experienced the loss of a family member.

1) Patti, a young widow with 3 kids, lost her husband

2) Vaneetha, experienced polo growing up, lost her infant son Paul from a heart defect. The first verse of "Held" refers to Vaneetha and her son, Paul. She shared with Christa about how knowing sorrow allowed her to also know joy and about the strange reality of feeling God's presence most keenly in the moments of deepest grief.

3) Sherry, Christa’s mother-in-law, lost her daughter Erica at birth. She spoke through tears about the pain of carrying a child to term and then having to let her go without even getting to take her home from the hospital. She told Christa about the still, small voice that spoke to her in the delivery room, “You have to choose how you will carry this loss after this moment. You can choose bitterness or you can choose to let me wrap you up in peace that can't be explained and that will lead to hope. You can choose to trust that you are not alone, and that everything you suffer here will someday be redeemed."

Because of the influence of these women, Christa realized that no person of faith since the beginning of time has ever lived without suffering. In fact, those who are students of Jesus have been promised that we certainly should expect pain and suffering in this life.

BUT …

In the middle of that heartache, at every lonely, dark, lost moment ...the Truth. That in those moments, especially then, we are held, held up, held together, by the the One who has walked here and knows the pain, and who also holds all of time, every story, my story, your story, the Greatest Story in his hands.

Christa said, “Every word (of the song) was chosen with loving care, because I didn't write this song for a market, or any audience, but for those three women. I wrote it and recorded it with my old 8-track and made a cassette copy for each of them.”

Link to the Natalie Grant video/song “Held.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOufqWodFNo

Below are the lyrics to Held:

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

TRIALS. TEARS. TRUST.

The title implies a journey, a process, a progression. I am in process. I don't have the suffering thing figured out. I am certainly not a grief expert. But it was good for me to recently search the Scriptures to see what God had to say on the matter of suffering and how to face trials. Losing Jackie is by far the biggest trial that Carrie and I have faced in our lives to this point. We cried buckets of tears the first week after Jackie's diagnosis. We were in shock, we were sad, angry, depressed, confused, and just plain worn out but were trying our best to trust God and found great comfort in knowing that He was ultimately in control.

I delivered a message called, "TRIALS. TEARS. TRUST." today (August 30, 2009) at Vantage Point Church in Eastvale (Corona), CA. As I wrote this sermon and delivered it today, I was acutely aware that I was not the only one going through a trial, and realize that fact as I pen this blog entry. My heart breaks when I think about the heartache and pain many people that I know are going through right now! I had a number of people share with me about their losses after each service today at VPC. I have a passion to assist families and individuals who experience deep pain through loss. Some of you are going through some tough trials right now and I pray that you may in time progress in your spiritual journey from trials to tears to trust.

Warmly,

Dave

Proverbs 3:5-6

Below is a link to Vantage Point Church if you are interested in hearing my sermon. (Check "Resources" and go to the "Sermons" (Trials. Tears. Trust.) for August 30, 2009

www.vantagepointchurch.org

"I Always Want To Stay A Kid"

This is the Life! (Pre-Diagnosis)

Jackie, age 5, was kicking back in a La-Z-Boy chair with her grilled cheese sandwich sipping her Sunny Delight while watching SpongeBob Square Pants on TV and announced to the world, “This is the life!”

She then said, “I don’t ever want to grow up! I always want to stay a kid! I don’t ever want to become a mommy (she saw how much work Carrie did as a mother of three small children) because a mommy’s work is too hard.”

When most kids are 5 they want to be 10. When they are 15 they want to be 20. Jackie was just the opposite. She never wanted to grow up. She always wanted to remain a child in the safe confines of her loving family, childhood friends, pets, church family and life of fun.

A Revelation (Post-Diagnosis)

After the diagnosis by Dr. Pang, Carrie, Jackie and I left Kaiser and drove to a local mall in Sacramento to grab a bite to eat. As we were sitting at an A&W restaurant my emotions became too much for me to handle so I excused myself and walked to our minivan in the parking lot. I got in the minivan, closed the windows and started to drive. I began to weep, yell, and scream. I was yelling at God for allowing this to happen. “Why?” It just didn’t make sense. “Why don’t you take me instead of her?” I remember pounding on the steering wheel in anger so hard that I almost broke my hand and the steering wheel. I must have driven in circles around that parking lot for about 20 minutes trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my baby had an inoperable brain tumor and was most likely going to die soon.

After gaining my composure I went back into the restaurant and Jackie was smiling. Carrie said, “Jackie has something she wants to tell you.” I asked, “What is it Jackie?” She said, “Daddy, I’ve figured out a way that I can stay a kid?” I said, “Oh, you have, have you? How’s that?” Jackie said, “I’m going to die young.” I looked at Carrie in anger and asked, “What did you tell her?” (Thinking Carrie must have told her about her brain tumor while I was driving around in the minivan) Carrie said, “I didn’t tell her anything. She came up with this all on her own.”

I believe God was already revealing to Jackie and to us what was going to happen in the future. Jackie somehow had an awareness that she wasn't going to grow up and she was O.K. with that.

Grace,

Dp

"... Give Thanks In All Circumstances"

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:8)

Written 10 days after Jackie's diagnosis:

I THANK GOD FOR ... the one year of healing I had from my dad's death prior to this crisis, the hope for quality of life for Jackie, our relationship with Christ, the closeness with Carrie and the kids, the fact that Jackie is not in any pain, family and friends and their tremendous outpouring of love (I never really knew how many friends I really had), the Bayside Auburn (at the time Sonrise) church staff, for Dan and Steve for riding with me on the flight home to Auburn from Saddleback, my small group, Mike Bivins and Dave Harrison picking me up from the Sacramento airport, the people praying around the world, the 5 wonderful years we have had with Jackie, every day God gives (each day is a gift from God), God showering me with what really matters in life.

Random thoughts at the time:

As a result I'm not so anal retentive anymore. I'm more spontaneous. The house doesn't have to be clean to have people over. Last Saturday I went to the Red Wagon restaurant with our family and friends and had a great time. I bought Jackie a hamster and we keep it in her room! Carrie was snoring the other night and I didn't even wake her up to say, "Stop it."

I know what matters! What used to bug me doesn't bug me anymore. I'm thankful that Jackie received Christ on New Year's Eve. I'm thankful Jackie is asking questions about heaven - What will it be like? Will I get to see Jesus right away? Will I get to see grandpa? Can I take my hamster with me? I thank God that I've thought more about heaven in the past 10 days than at any other time in my life.

Written a couple months after Jackie's death:

I THANK GOD FOR ... the nearly 1000 people that attended Jackie's funeral service and for the many people who have come to Christ as a result of Jackie's life and death (both children and adults). I'm thankful that Dave Dravecky, James Dobson, Rick Warren and David Jeremiah all contacted me to encourage and support me. I'm thankful that Carrie and I are still together. We will celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary on October 11, 2009! Our other two kids (Josh and Jess) are doing well. Josh is in college and works and Jessica just started her senior year in high school and then wants to go to UCLA. I thank God that we stayed at Bayside Auburn (Sonrise) Church for 6 more years after Jackie passed for a total of 10 years. I'm thankful that we were able to start a third church (Conejo Church) that is doing well. I'm thankful that I now get to work with many families at Forest Lawn by doing personalized funeral services. I thank God I now get to train future lead pastors (church planters) who start churches on the West Coast through the EFCA West. I also get to coach people in leadership skills and I am hoping to help people in the future through grief coaching.

I'm thankful that Jackie never lost any cognitive ability, experienced little to no pain, and that she didn't die in a hospital hooked up to tubes but she passed away peacefully in my arms. I'm thankful that I have a daughter in heaven who I am going to see again someday!

Dp

A Leap of Faith!

When Jackie was younger (say age 3) she liked to get up on our kitchen counter and leap, and I mean leap, into my arms! The first time she did it I stood only about two feet away from her. She jumped and I easily caught her. She then got back on the counter and waved her hand signaling me to move back. I moved back a foot and she waved her hand again so I moved back another foot. This time she jumped about 4 feet and I caught her. We did this on a regular basis and as she got older, bigger and stronger I would move even further back. It was a sight to see her just leap with reckless abandon fully trusting that I would catch her!

A few weeks after her diagnosis Jackie lost her speech and she was losing her ability to walk. One time I carried her into the kitchen to get something to eat and she motioned for me to put her on the kitchen counter. I placed her on the counter and she stood straight up, knees shaking the whole time. She then looked me straight in the eye as if she was going to jump! So I positioned myself about a foot away so that if she just fell I would be right there to catch her.

I was not expecting what she did next. She signaled for me to move back! So I took one little step back. She signaled again for me to step back. I had a tear well up in my eye at this point. I stepped one more step back and she just went for it with all the strength her little body could muster. She jumped (really just fell forward) into my arms and I caught her and we both laughed.

That moment was one of the most amazing moments in my life. I have never witnessed such courage ever before or since!

Whenever I think I can't do something I think of Jackie and I jump!

... into my Father's arms,

... knowing that He will catch me.

Dp

Quote on courage:

With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity. KESHAVAN NAIR

Jackie's Favorite Song

Jackie's favorite song was "You are my Sunshine." I used to sing the chorus to her on a regular basis. She couldn't get enough of it - she even thought that I wrote it! When I told her I didn't write it she didn't believe me. Below are part of the lyrics to the song along with a couple neat links to a couple different video versions of the song.

YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE

by Jimmie Davis & Charles Mitchell

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

Link to creative version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3kHgr6EV3g

Link to instrumental (piano) version:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMxUbJCX0LQ&feature=related

Coach John Wooden's Greatest Trial

When I was in junior high school I attended a UCLA vs. USC basketball game at Pauley Pavilion in Westwood with my church youth group. The atmosphere was electric!!! I'd found my calling! From that day forward I wanted to be a basketball player. I ended up playing in high school and college and still play to this day.

Fast forward about 20 years .... I planted a church in the Antelope Valley and Bill Sharman's (former Laker coach) daughter and grandkids attended my church. Bill called me one day and said he was speaking at an event in my area with John Wooden and asked if I'd like to attend and meet Coach Wooden? You bet! Bill personally introduced me to John Wooden, my hero. I brought my Bible for Coach to sign and asked, "Coach Wooden, would you please sign my Bible?" He looked straight into my eyes and said, "Oh no, Dave, I don't sign Bibles. I don't feel worthy." I was in shock. I didn't know what to say or how to respond. I just looked down for a second and then looked up at Coach. Then he said, "But in your case Dave I'm going to sign your Bible." He signed it, "Thank you, Dave, for your interest. John Wooden. 1 Cor. 13" Wow!

Five years later I was asked to preach the weekend services at Shepherd of the Hills Church in Porter Ranch, CA. In my message I shared about the importance of taking responsibility for our actions and not blaming others. I used a Wooden illustration .... When UCLA's 88 game win streak ended, the media was blaming various players for the loss. Wooden stepped up and said, "It's my fault. If you want to blame anybody - blame me!" So I walk out of the third service into the lobby and I'm greeting people and up walks Coach Wooden who says, "Nice sermon Dave." Unbelievable!

That night I attended a UCLA vs Illinois game at Pauley with the executive pastor (Tim) from SOTHC. Our seats were right behind the UCLA bench. Just prior to tip-off, Coach Wooden and his daughter made their way to their seats which were one row behind ours. I glanced over my shoulder and Coach is about 10 feet away. He waves to me, smiles and says, "Hi Dave!" I thought I had died and gone to heaven!

Two years ago I attended a fundraising dinner for the Simi High School basketball program and Coach Wooden was the speaker. At the end of his speech there was a Q&A time and I asked, "What is the hardest trial you have ever gone through?" He teared up and without hesitation said, "Losing my Nellie." Nellie Riley Wooden was John's high school sweetheart and they were married for 53 years. At the beginning of every basketball game he would look up into the stands and acknowledge his love for her. Coach Wooden still grieves for his Nellie. He will always grieve for his Nellie and I will always grieve for my Jackie.

Dave

p.s. Coach Wooden, in my humble opinion, is one of the greatest people in the 20th & 21st centuries. He is a man of values, who loves his Lord deeply and models true servant leadership.

Link:

John Wooden reciting a poem called, "Don't Look Back"

www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-FyRMpo824

NEW Website for Celebrant Dave

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Enjoy, Dave

http://www.davepage.showitsite.com